CENTIPEDE.

Here’s the thing - you probably aren’t going to want to come and visit me after reading this post.

That’s fine. I understand.

In a pro/con list, Maui doesn’t have a whole lot lined up in the con column – especially when it comes to potentially dangerous wildlife. No snakes, no rabies, no bears, lions, etc.

This is a superficial list of course, and I’m no expert, but to my knowledge the main things we have are: cane spiders (which are huge but not dangerous), crab spiders (heard they are poisonous but they are small and not intimidating), cockroaches (who could forget those), and…..we have giant centipedes. From my googling, I gather that these centipedes are generally considered the worst of what Hawaii has to offer.

I had heard of these centipedes before we moved here – heard their bite was extremely painful. A family member was bitten by one a few years back and I remember laughing with her as she re-told her story of waking up in the night to intense pain in her foot, and feeling the centipede slither through her toes.

Oh, it’s so easy to laugh when nothing is slithering through your own toes.

All of this is leading up to:

I was bitten by a giant centipede last night.

In my bed. On my arm. While I was asleep.

I’m not gonna church it up here – more than a few curse words were said. And also? If Willie Nelson had been nearby, I would have gladly accepted his special ‘pain relief.' That is how bad it hurt.

Judge all you want.

This is the jerkwad that bit me:

That protrusion? Some of his guts.

 And just to bring it to scale, here he is again, next to my flip flop. 

Just looking at him makes me want to light our house on fire.

Here’s how it went down: Brant and I were in our bed asleep. Our bed is raised off the floor by a metal bedframe, but the head of the bed does touch the wall.  At about 12:30 am I was sleeping on my back, with my arms up above my head. I never really felt the centipede crawling on me, but woke up with an intense burning, stabbing pain in my forearm. I was groggy and just remember realizing that the pain was real, and telling Brant there must be something in the bed because I think I just got bit.

I was totally thinking maybe it was a cockroach (do they even bite?) or a crab spider. Gross, but not a huge deal.

I got to the bathroom, flipped on the light and saw two bite marks, like snake fangs in my arm.

O.M.G.

Wha?

I just remember thinking ‘but Maui doesn’t have snakes….’

It made no sense. Still hadn’t really occurred to me that it could have been a centipede. I was under the impression that they lived down by the beach, not upcountry where we live.

I was so wrong.

Brant (my hero) started shaking out the sheets while I walked around and freaked out. My arm really started to hurt. We were so confused because we couldn’t find any possible culprit at first. Then I heard him yell and tell me to stay in the bathroom. I was all, what is it? What bit me? And he was all it’s a centipede! And it’s huge!

During the next few minutes, there was a whole lot more freaking out on my part. My arm hurt SO bad and I had to keep holding it above my head, or it hurt worse. Brant waited for the centipede to come out of the sheets and drop onto the tile floor. Then, my brave hero-husband, who hates all kinds of bugs, killed that centipede dead with a shoe. I’m pretty sure he realized that I was loosing my marbles and was in no way going to be able to handle the situation.

I wanted to see what bit me. I needed an image to put with the experience, so I wouldn’t always wonder. So my mind wouldn’t create a worse scenario than what really happened.

After he hit it with the shoe, Brant stood there for awhile staring at it (um, probably trying to figure out what the heck to DO with it?) and I came out of the bathroom and crept around the side of the bed to get a look. I had asked how big it was, and Brant said maybe 6 inches or so?. But I was not prepared for how disgusting it really was.

Have you ever had a moment where your mind is telling you to do one thing, but your body just has a mind of it’s own as is physically not able to listen and apply what the mind is telling it?

Well, I had a moment like that when I saw the centipede.

My mind said Okay, calm down, it is dead. It can’t hurt you anymore. It’s over and you need to calm down. Everything is okay.

But my body said EMERGENCY! THAT THING WAS ON YOUR BODY!!! GET UP ON TOP OF THE CHAIR!!!! I started shaking uncontrollably and felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I just remember wondering if Maddie would fit in a suitcase, and thinking holy crap I can’t do this, can’t live here, we have to go NOW.

It might be a little over-dramatic, but seriously, if you could have handled that crap better than me, come on over. I’ve got a bed you can sleep in.

It crawled on me in my bed, while I was asleep and bit the ever loving crap out of my arm. AND IT IS CREEPY AND SCARY AND UGLY AS SIN.

That warrants a freak out in my book.

Brant put him in a jar. We are going to burn him later (we heard that is the only way to really kill them. Plus, it will make me feel better).

We moved the bed away from the wall, figuring that he came in, climbed the wall, and dropped onto the bed (I read that they are blind, nocturnal, and attracted to heat sources. Like my body. Heeby. Jeeby!)

I am dousing our house in bug spray today. Making borax balls like it’s my job, and googling centipede stories.

My arm still really hurts, but not as bad as it did last night. Many of the accounts I’ve read so far say the centipede bite pain is intense – ranging from a severe sting pain to pain like a gunshot, and lasts a few days. Some people go to the ER – but there isn’t anything they can do except give you shots of lidocaine around the bite area. One site said to put meat tenderizer on it to help relieve the pain, or as an alternative, just stay intoxicated for 3 days.

Okay. I'm almost willing to do that. 

We didn't have any meat tenderizer, Willie Nelson, or alcohol. So I took 2 ibuprofin and swabbed the bite with a little Melaleuca gel. We went back to bed, and Brant was nice enough to let us 'sleep' (yeah right) with the lights on. That guy gets mega points, I'm telling you. 

So that’s my big 'I was bit by a giant centipede' story.

A tsunami and a centipede bite within two months of living here. Now I just need to get bit by a shark and I’m good to go.

 
P.S. I am over the roaches. They are like, nothing, compared to centipedes.